Bastard's Thoughts

Hello dear Chinese and Russian spammers ( the only persons that read my blog apparently -> checked the logs <- ) . Without adding to the already unnecessary introduction I give you this, today in my eyes

I woke up to go to work, seeing that my better half was in a good morning mood ( well she actually wasn’t awake, per say, but somewhat conscious ) I got that as a start for a good day. Last night I parked my car closer to where we live so ofcourse I was expecting a reaction for my dim-witted action. I got it in the form of a long key hello on my newly fixed car’s left side.  Well at least now it goes with the scratch on the other side, not the same colour but as I told Jordan, I’ve always wanted a multi-coloured car, now I have it.

Went to work, where I found out the true meaning of boredom. I’m not the official bofh there but hell, I just had to do it. Seeing the Korean GM name-tagged Diana from a mistake on the PBX is truly priceless.

After the long 4h of work Jordan told me that she found somebody even stupider than our neighbours ( and trust me, I’ve never believed that a primate can stoop that low. ) Her mum’s neighbours installed a webcam to monitor the stray cats from their backyard. Guys, let me give you a tip here, THE CATS ARE STRAY, although natural selection is not fair ( you guys can be called, by social standards, people ) they won’t die if you don’t feed them and encourage them to pee everywhere. If you like them that much take them in ( thus un-straying them ) . You will solve the neighbourhood cat issue, get friendly neighbours outside your house and no robbers ( or any other people ) inside – 10x cat pee yummm. I can only imagine that you like the ammoniac smell that much anyway, so why wouldn’t you do it ? Is it because you love it so much when they shit on your welcome mat ?

Finally getting home today ( again ) I got a call from the IT manager. To make a clear-up, when I say work I mean that my company gets paid $$$ to send me to do some random shit for other companies;when I say the IT manager, I am refereeing  to the guy that pays the bills. So anyway, the guy tells me that although they need my companies’ services there and although they like me, the GM can’t pay us for the full 5 days, but he feels guilty so he will pay me instead. What could I do now ? I cba ignore that so I took the money.

Basically, I got paid for drinking coffee, waking up at 7:30 and helping a user fix the microwave oven. I think that the latter was the key. Anyway I’ve got a fun idea for money investment right now.

Again, I go towards home, wondering what is going to happen next, the answer soon comes: nowhere to park. FUCK IT, I move my car out back to where it’s safe. Safe for the car, not for pedestrians. The place is packed with dogs ( this being one of the reasons I park somewhere else when Jordan is near ) I cleverly avoid all of them, except for a black mutt who was sleeping in the middle of the road. I step on it, the dog gets scared and starts running, waking up the other dogs. As every do has his day, this one got his; the other pooches see him running and run after it, jumping and biting . It will know better then to sleep where I step next time.

It’s 11:30 and I’m tired. I don’t think anything else can happen, well not anything that would make me laugh as much. I’m hoping on some news about the webcam, but I think Jordan is busy planning her revenge on them.

Tomorrow is a new day

Posted in BOFH, POL | No Comments »

I’ve been having a tough time writing for the past few days, it is clear to me that I should find some time for the mere mortals that praise my existence and listen to my words but meh, what can I do; I’ve been slacking.

Back to the subject at hand, of retards :

Once I had this friend that told me that “when dealing with animals, the only way to appeal to them is to hit them” . That is so incredibly true. ( I know, I know, mr Bofh is saying that somebody had a good line and he respects it, WTF OMG BBQ, but no, I am just giving credit where credit is due. )

So I go out this morning and find my car with a flat tire. Nothing wrong with that ? WRONG, neighbours decided that it was time for my car to suffer just because they have nothing better to do then to have territorial fights with me for a parking spot. Ok guys, here is a piece of advice for you ( although I doubt you can understand this ) : If you wanna mark  your territory AND do it like animals BUT you find yourselves in a ’somewhat’ upright position, giving birth to live cubs and feeding them through your mammary glands, my advice is to try to do it like monkeys, shit and throw your feeces at my car. At least I’d know what it was all about;  I know I’ve promoted you to the state of primates but what can I do, you look the part.

As the day unfolded I had to repair the car and, by golly you won’t believe it, it costs about 20E to change my (already new ) tires .

Sooo what shall mr Bofh do now kids ? well I could just slash the guy’s tires BUT I think I’ll do something else in exchange, I’ll cut everyone else’s tires and give them something to look forward to tomorrow morning.

In other news, I’m starting martial arts today. I know, slacking is nicer, but it’s time for a change.

Posted in BOFH, Going Mental | No Comments »

(but do it anyway)

In normal circumstances there would be a sort-of big list of stuff that I would much rather write OR CARE about BUT the fact of the matter is : TODAY, I’ve just finished my last sitcom so I’m guessing I have about 15 minutes of free time . For those of you who are interested in my other waste-time-till-I-browse-for-new-shows subjects I will post a short but accurate list later on.

I think this is a funny phenomenon, As a somewhat senior member of the ‘blog comunity’ I’ve started seeing more and more retarded SLOGs¹.

I know, I know, But mr BOFH, why do you waste your time with recently sms-semi-evolved cretins ? Well, because I’m swamped by adverts, visually raped daily, and unable to motivate myself into fucking-up those retarded-idiotical-I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT LIFE BECAUSE I HAVE A SECRET VAGlINA AND I STICK MY PENIS IN MY MOUTH TO REACH IT-grammar impaired-bloggers. Then again, the internet is where it is today because of them; you see little kids, the internet was not always full of useless bullshit, in a time long past you had pertinent data, accurate information and HUMOUR ( not to mention quality porn, not the now-so-popular “FAT CHICKS ON COW HUMPING A DOG WITH A DILDO” ); but then the bloggers came, well actually, 8 years ago there were only a handful of people that had the nerve to say what’s on their mind and when they did it, it was SRSBZNS . Then the posers came, seeing that censorship wasn’t available on the internet and some guys just wanted to make some money, every retard and his uncle got a place to rant on the interweb . So there you have it, nothing-to-say heaven.

Ok my views are somewhat liberal but still, if the status of things would have not evolved into everybody spamming visual adds to hers or hers ( no, not his, they ALL HAVE VAGINAS ) blogs, I guess I could have accepted it, BUT as I said earlier I LITERALLY GET EYE-RAPED by all those crapsites. I guess I could rant on about this for hours but seeing as I have 8 more minutes left, I’ll just spit it out :

Point one) IF you have something to say, go tell your dog, don’t waste precious IP space (it is limited, you know ) with your useless thoughts, better yet, if you’re so depressed, listen to Tokio Hotel, cut your veins( up -> down not left->right ), OR if you’re not feeling that suicidal ( and try cutting left to right )  try to cut your ligaments, at least that way you won’t be able to say anything.

Point two)IF you insist on showing us you have a VAGINA don’t try to act all masculine using men-names, nobody likes a butch .

Point three)IF you don’t have a mother to talk to, a dog to fuck, a cat to scream to, or a (wo)man to argue with, and JUST NEED TO GET YOUR EMOTIONAL BULLSHIT OUT, just go spank the monkey :

• IT SAVES TIME  : – the 5 hours you spend writing your 5 lines of text are cut down to 20 seconds of gently petting
• IT IS ASTHMATIC-FRIENDLY : – God kills a cat everytime you masturbate
• ECOLOGICAL : -you won’t kill the internet -> waste not, want not
• USEFUL : – click me

Point four)Don’t abuse my generous GENEROUS patience with IMs about your blog, i’m going out on a limb here but if you do *you just prove you’re even dumber then I thought you were, and that says a lot about you*

Wait a minute, our time is up for today but check again soon for more words of wise from my infinite knowledge sack.

1)Sob Blog

Posted in Going Mental | 2 Comments »

Seeing as I, as a BOFH, have not dedicated any time in the arts of bofhing around for some time now, I guess I’ll just (re)start this wall with a POL¹ post.

Recently, I’ve become aware of a few things, like stupid people will be stupid no matter how much credit you want to give them. I know, I know, “weren’t you suppose to be the big bad BOFH, didn’t you know that already ( and did not care )?”

Well kids, sit down on grandads lap so that he might explain this better :

When you’re stuck in a dump for some time, you prefer to sit in your shit hole rather then strive to get out. But the problem is that prolonged exposure to shit-holeness makes people around you notice that you somewhat stink. Anyway, enough foreplay, let’s get down to it :

You get 1 hen-mum, 1 egocentric kid, 2 hypocritical men (and i use the term loosely ), the lovely Jordan and me, The Red Guy…erm BOFH together in a non-technological environment Recipe for disaster, right ?

WELL yes : people can be so fucking stupid that it amuses me to the marrow of my bones, the point here being that I can notice human stupidity even without a keyboard at hand.

So point one : Egocentric kid dares to try to ‘rat’ out my Jordan to me for random reasons. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I WOULD CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID WHINES, I mean to be frank, what would the benefits be ? A quick oral( and by oral I mean a long and somewhat intelligent discussion ) in the back yard ? Cleaning and washing my house ? Cooking? NO . BUUUT I, ofcourse, can side with you, being idiotical as you are, just to piss my Jordan off. Hmm yeah, and you get offended if I tell you to bugger off.

Point two : I seldom join a discussion, most times it’s because I prefer not to get stung by the stupidity virus, or risk a neverendingstory(tm) about something that doesn’t interest me ( thus waste time ), but today I decided to try to be a good host and pitch in my ( rather valuable ) 2c. So if I allow you to bask in the fruit of my never-ending wise verbalised thoughts, why do you dare, YOU PUNY MORTALS, to force your own STUPID INEXPERIENCED OPINION ?  Being an expert in so many fields, you know that when a BOFH says something, that something IS. Retribution will come

Point three : A Lake is a Lake by any other name, the next person who doesn’t agree with that will be in direct violation of Point Two( yes, you can keep them as a sort-of baseline for reading this ) . A puddle will be a Lake for crickets as a Lake is an Ocean for a toddler so who the fuck is anybody to mess with ones perception and views ? WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU SEE if you are on a ladder and I’m on a sky scraper ?

Point four : People shouldn’t put their faith in the shallow lair of ice on top of the lake that is personality, although it’s there to defend the life underground, there is no telling when it’ll crack and you guys will get back to being up the proverbial creek without a paddle, In case you didn’t get it I’m back.

Movie Time

1) Perspective On Life

Tags: BOFH
Posted in BOFH, Going Mental, POL | No Comments »